In No Uncertain Terms
by tere moto the sentry
Summary: Drabbles of fluffy romance among Fanboy, Chum Chum, and Kyle.
1. Best Man, Vampires

**Best Man**

"Kyle's _my_ best man!"

"I'm closer to him than you are!"

"Why can't you take Oz?"

The day Kyle had seen his friends setting up the decorations and lawn chairs outside the Fanlair, he had run home before they could give him his invitation in person. His rational side had kicked him for checking his mail slot each morning; he attributed it to the fact that he did not get a lot of mail to look forward to.

Fanboy and Chum Chum had decided that their bond was so strong that they had planned a (rather unofficial; they _were_ children) wedding.

Not at all to Kyle's surprise and much to his annoyance, he had been asked to be the best man, but it flattered him to no end that they were now fighting over whose best man he was to be.

"_Mine!_"

"_I_ get him! How about you just have a maid of honor?"

After watching them for a while, Kyle got an idea of how he might get even more out of this opportunity.

"Allow me to settle this," he interrupted. "I shall serve as best man to whichever of you can leave me alone longer."

**Vampires**

Capes flitted through Kyle's peripheral vision, even after he had put up his exclusive magic cone. It was almost a given that they would not be working on the assignment Mr. Mufflin had given, which Kyle was trying to concentrate on despite Fanboy and Chum Chum's attempts at his attention with their "mysterious" swishing and sneaking around.

"Ow!" he cried out when wet teeth clamped down on his shin. He glared down at Chum Chum sucking on his pant leg and drooling onto his sock.

"No, buddy! We must control our thirst!" His cape wrapped about him, Fanboy pried one friend off the other.

"I apologize, human," Fanboy said in a dramatic tone.

"You're not vampires," Kyle dully told them once again. He rose from his desk and strode to his locker, hoping to leave them behind.

They were at his heels, hiding behind passing students while thinking Kyle couldn't see them. They finally appeared at his side when he stopped, and to Kyle's disappointment the locker door to Fanboy's face deterred neither of them.

It's not safe for you to be around us, Kyle," Fanboy informed him.

"Then leave," Kyle said flatly.

Once he sat down again he sensed his nitwits looming over his head (though he wasn't sure how Chum Chum was doing it).

"Kyle was sure of two things," Fanboy thrust two gloved fingers in the wizard's face.

"The first one," Chum Chum chimed in, "was that Fanboy and Chum Chum were super vampires."

"And the second thing," Fanboy finished, "was that he was hopelessly and iridescently in love with them."


	2. Camping

**Camping**

_It was so clear; one scene was a picnic; another took place at a five-star restaurant; a few involved a movie night…Each place had a romantic feel to it._

He couldn't understand why each one had him with either Fanboy or Chum Chum.

Kyle drifted out of the dream and awoke. The moon was still high above him, and he noticed that his sleeping bag was not alone as it had been. His two campmates had moved their ManArctica bedding from the spot he had designated for them, and were now on either side of him, sleeping contently.

The strangest thing about the dream was that it was only now, when he was awake and they were still asleep, that it felt like he had parted with them. Kyle realized that, oddly, he did not feel like _he exclusively_ had been in his own dream. He shook off the feeling and got comfortable in his sleeping bag again, pulling the glittering griffins and stars up to his chin, but when he began to leave consciousness he sensed a bizarre presence…it was as if other minds were there, waiting on him—

He woke up again, wiggled into a sitting position where he could view both boys simultaneously, and peeled back an eyelid of each of them. The skin stretched with cartoonish elasticity, and as Kyle studied the eyeballs beneath, he noticed that Fanboy and Chum Chum's rapid eye movement seemed to mirror each other's. Could…they be having the same dream?

His wizard side cut through skepticism to realize that they were _sharing their dream with him._

He didn't know how that was, but when the boys snuggled closer to him he felt they were beginning to miss him. And Kyle _was_ rather tired. And he acknowledged that the boys had been quite sweet to him in the dream.

As his eyes closed again, the boy in the middle smiled, planning to suggest the destination of the next date.

Author's Note: Another of Fanboy and Chum Chum's inexplicable powers, this one seen in "Freezy Freaks". Also, thinking about the "Vampires" story in the previous chapter, I thought I'd share a bit of trivia—I saw character bios on Nickelodeon's website, and it seems Kyle claims that his Necronomicon is a "Twilight" fan.


	3. An Understanding over Crumpets

**An Understanding over Crumpets**

"I don't get it. I'll never grasp what goes through this doofus' head when he gets that head stuck in a bus wheel."

"What's it like to be a peg on a bike wheel' was going through his head," Chum Chum clarified, proving Kyle wrong. "It's been a dream of his for a while now, and he doesn't have a bike."

Bus Driver Pam pulled on Fanboy's feet until his legs were stretched nearly beyond recognition. "Hmph. Maybe my sister has some lard in the cafeteria," she grunted. "We could use it for grease."

"Lunch Lady Cram used all the lard in yesterday's low fat yogurt," Mr. Mufflin reminded.

"Yes, but no one ever eats it. I have it on good authority that she reuses it out of the trash."

Overhearing from inside the bus, Kyle felt nauseous and began to dig the crumpets out of his lunch box to settle his stomach.

"Are those the new raspberry drizzle ones?" Chum Chum asked, surprising him. "From the new bakery on Third Street?"

Kyle pressed his lips together thoughtfully. He had forgotten Chum Chum was fond of tea and crumpets. "Yes…They were out of the blueberry ones."

"Who cares? Raspberry drizzle is the best!" The younger boy exclaimed.

"I despise that topping. Tarnishes a fine crumpet."

"Ooh! I'll eat it for you!"

Kyle brushed away the wandering tongue. "Thank you, no. I didn't have breakfast."

"No, I mean I'll eat the drizzle!" Chum Chum offered—and while Kyle was making eye contact, a gloved finger was already swiping the fruit topping off the crumpet.

When Chum Chum was licking his finger, Kyle looked down at his snack, and was surprised to see not even a trace of raspberry left. Pleased, he ate the crumpet and took out another.

"Where does your fellow dipstick get such ideas anyway?" Kyle asked as Chum Chum repeated his action with the second crumpet.

"Well, with the bike peg thing," Chum Chum started, and then paused to lick his lips, "he just likes riding close to the ground. Ever seen us on our matching tricycles?"

"And about last week," Kyle queried after finishing the pastry, "what of his attempts to tie himself to the ceiling with the music teacher's piano wire?"

"He likes to feel like he's flying, of course!" Chum Chum clarified. "It's a superhero thing."

Kyle rolled his eyes, but a part of him appreciated the sidekick's explanation of Fanboy's craziness. Though he classified Chum Chum as just as much a ninny as the ringleader, there were times when Kyle felt that—somehow—his younger idiot was on his same page. The small one knew the conjurer did not always understand the absurdity of Galaxy Hills. Any clarity Chum Chum could offer on such matters was welcome (though quite often it also raised more questions).

"Hm, one would think a 'superhero' could get himself out of a bus wheel," the snarkier boy scoffed and brought his next crumpet to his lips, forgetting the berry topping. He closed his eyes to savor the snack—when he felt it. A second pair of lips brushing his.

His eyes snapped open to behold the rounder, masked eyes that widened at being caught. The lips just below them finished extracting the fruit jam and pulled away sheepishly.

"You…forgot to give me the raspberry drizzle." Chum Chum grinned cutely.

Kyle looked cross, but something about that smile told him the raspberry was not all Chum Chum wanted.

Another understanding between them.

"I also have blackberry jelly." The wizard magically produced a jar from thin air.

"Oh…_that_ brand," Chum Chum looked disappointed. "They always make their food so greasy—Hey wait! That could help get Fanboy out!"

Kyle leaned a little closer to him, wanting to preserve the moment. "No, no. He hasn't quite learned his lesson yet."


	4. A Strict Code, On a Shelf

Author's Note: Two rather short FanChums.

**A Strict Code**

"_Ohhh._ He _had_ to know that was coming!" Fanboy's exclamation interrupted the surprisingly quiet comic book hour.

Chum Chum, assuming his friend was talking to himself, paid him no mind. Until of course his graphic novel was taken and replaced with Fanboy's comic.

"Chum, let me pass on a hero life lesson." A finger pointed out ManArctica's defeat, panel by panel. "There is a strict though unwritten code that superheroes _shouldn't date._ ManArctica lets himself be seen kissing that girl once, and before you know it, he has to trade himself to Global Warmer to keep her out of a lava pit."

"They're both out of there unharmed in the next one," Chum Chum pulled the subsequent issue out of their shared comic book pile.

"Yeah but now evil knows that the mighty defender of good has the soft heart of a romantic," Fanboy held a fist to his chest for dramatic effect. "You let your guard down _one time_ and the bad guys get more confident."

Chum Chum thought for a moment. "Well, what if the superhero's love interest wasn't just a civilian? What if…we were talking about someone strong enough to fight alongside the hero?"

Fanboy was already back to reading his comic book. "Like who?" he asked without looking up.

But he _had_ to look back at his friend when Chum Chum started to crawl over the book and into his arms.

"Like a sidekick."

**On a Shelf**

"Yo! Give him back!"

"But I cleared out a special place for him!" Yo took a hand off of Chum Chum's arm to point to her shelf. "See? He's perfect for my feng shui!"

"I don't care! He's not yours!" Fanboy continued tugging.

"I'm not a doll, Yo!" Chum Chum cried out from his suspension in the air. Both of the older children were evenly matched in pulling him by the arm, and Yo was beginning to reach for a foot too.

Knowing it would then only get harder, Fanboy yanked his friend away with all his might. Once the smaller boy was in his arms, he raced out of Yo's house and headed for home.

"My hero," Chum Chum looked lovingly up at his pal's face. "Would you mind carrying me the rest of the way home? My arms are stretched out enough to drag on the ground, and well…they're pretty sore."

"Anything for you, buddy."

Chum Chum then thought for a moment. "You know," he snuggled closer to Fanboy, "I'd hate acting like a doll on a shelf but…I wouldn't mind being someone's action figure on a shelf…"


	5. Gossip, Doodles

**Gossip**

"_You snuck into Yo's sleepover?_ Does she even know?"

"Not the point!" Fanboy could barely contain himself. "Get this—Yo, Lupe, and a thousand quadrillion other girls at school think you're really cute!"

Kyle would have rolled his eyes at the numerical exaggeration, had the overall statement not taken him aback. "I—what—me? I…" He turned crimson. "Why, surely not…"

"Really!" Chum Chum piped up. "You even beat Fanboy!"

"I didn't get any votes," Fanboy grimaced. "These girls don't know what they're missing."

Kyle saw the opportunity to save face. "Ha!" He put his hands on his hips smugly. "So even though you're the outgoing one and I'm quieter, I still garnered the affections of half the students in the school and you only have one."

Fanboy blinked. "Huh? I said _no one_ has a crush on me."

The wizard recoiled, blushing again. "Th-th-that's what I said!" he stammered. "That you only have _none._"

**Doodles**

The diminutive fan was awakened from a deep nap by an intermittent poke to the head.

"_Chum Chum,_ is that my history notebook under you?"

"Hnnh?" The addressed looked up, half-asleep. "Oh, yeah, eh…Desk was too hard to sleep on…Needed cushion…"

"Why couldn't you use your _own_ notebook?" Kyle asked to no avail; Chum Chum had dozed off again. Grumbling, he rolled the smaller boy off of the desk and retrieved his possession.

As he opened it to take notes, he was displeased to see a page covered with what he assumed was a brainstorm for one of the two fans' inventions. Well, that is, he believed it was some sort of note regarding voltage, as there were the letters "CC" (inside a picture of a _heart,_ strangely enough).

For the life of him, he could not figure out what "&KBT" meant. He was no mechanic.


	6. Roller Coaster

Author's Note: A reviewer asked what "KBT" meant in the last chapter. Since the reviewer was anonymous, I'll reply here. It's "Kyle Bloodworth-Thomason"; Chum Chum put his and Kyle's initials in a heart.

**Roller Coaster**

An anxious sweat gripped Fanboy when he heard it.

"Sorry, you're not tall enough."

It wasn't directed at _him_ though—

"Oh," Chum Chum said. "Well, that's okay. I'll find another ride. See ya soon, Fanboy."

And _that_ was why he was nervous.

"Nononono _wait,_" the older superhero shakily gripped his sidekick's hand. "Maybe you can use a booster seat."

"Doesn't work like that," Lenny said, half-interested.

"It's okay, buddy," Chum Chum struggled to pull his tiny hand away from Fanboy. "This is the safest roller coaster in town. You'll be fine."

"_But-but—_"

"You can come on the smaller rides with me instead."

"No, I want to—" Fanboy's eyes darted from coaster to comrade. "I wanna prove I can go on roller coasters now without screaming, but-but-but I need you, Chum."

"He can't go." Lenny was growing impatient, and regretting his secondary job as a carnie. "Now are you getting on or not, Fanboy? I have other customers."

As if to illustrate Lenny's final point, a familiar voice scoffed from behind the young superheroes.

"You mortals and your fear of heights. I've sailed many a broom _backwards_ between the clouds."

"Great!" Chum Chum exclaimed. "Fanboy, you can hold _Kyle's_ hand!"

Before Kyle could run, his grateful ninny was clinging to him.

"Okay; you've paired up; let's go." Lenny ushered the two of them behind the gate.

Kyle was about to protest the arrangement, but was stopped when his lips were caught in Fanboy's thankful kiss. He then let the issue drop.

It did feel good to be needed.


	7. Romantic Magic

**Romantic Magic**

Fanboy and Chum Chum had never thought of a better prank, in their opinion. They had intended to sneak up on Kyle at lunch and cast the spell, but the excited giggles made the covertness impossible.

"Kyle!" Fanboy cried out as Chum Chum heaved a large old book onto the lunch table. "Do you still play wizards or have you moved on to the pirate phase?"

"Actually I think the secret agent phase comes after wizards," Chum Chum explained. "That's what my pediatrician says."

"I'm not playi—" Kyle stopped short and glanced at the dusty tome. "Sheepshank, not another phonebook." Unpleasant memories of his first day at Galaxy Hills Elementary returned.

"Guess again! We thought we'd go genuine this time!" Fanboy exclaimed. As he threw open the book, the conjurer was taken aback at the vaguely familiar sigils and runes scribbled across the pages.

"How _ever_ did you two get a hold of a _real—_oh, it's written in crayon," Kyle soon noticed.

"No it's not," Chum Chum truthfully denied as he scrambled to hide his colored pencils.

"I wondered why my Necronomicon went missing for three hours." The wizard hugged his book bag close to him protectively. "You ninnies just copied it."

"So? We got all the spells right so it's still a real spell book now," Fanboy countered. "And unlike yours, this one also has a rare incan…tay…shun…from Chum Chum's aunt."

"The one and only Madame Chumushka," Chum Chum clarified in his most mysterious voice. "Traverser of the netherbeyond!"

Kyle scoffed. "You truly expect me to bel—oh, forget it." Knowing his friends/irritants were nigh impossible to reason with, he merely dropped his head on the cafeteria table and mumbled, "Cast your—whatever it is."

"_A love spell!_" Fanboy and Chum Chum yelled excitedly. Any response their friend may have had went unheard as they began babbling the incantation.

"_Slushies are pink,_" Chum Chum recited, producing an already-lit candle from his backpack.

"_And slushies are blue,_" Fanboy responded, receiving the candle ceremoniously.

"_We think we're in love…_" Clasping his now free hands together, Chum Chum batted his eyes.

"…_and now, so are you!_" Chorused the two.

Kyle barely had time to whip his head around, to look for the unfortunate young lady who would now be smitten with these idiots, before the candle was loudly blown out in _his_ face.

After coughing and waving away the resulting cloud of smoke, the skeptical one opened his eyes…and Fanboy and Chum Chum watched their friend's face light up, as if those crimson eyes had never beheld a more beautiful sight.

"…Fanboy…Chum Chum…you look—" He blushed and shrank away bashfully. "My, you both look simply enchanting today."

The young heroes squealed, barely able to contain themselves.

"Perhaps you'd like a milk carton? I shall return shortly." As the bewitched preteen walked off to the lunch counter, his new boyfriends whispered amongst themselves.

"It really worked!" Fanboy could hardly keep his voice down. "Say, I don't suppose your aunt had anything that could turn my bologna sandwich into a steak dinner?"

"She could turn steak dinners into bologna sandwiches," his sidekick offered. "Lost a lot of customers that way. Anyway, I'm having just a few second thoughts about this love spell. I mean, should we really have taken the easy way instead of putting in the effort with flowers and serenades?"

Realization graced Fanboy's features. "You're right. I mean, it's not really _our_ Kyle loving us…"

"There you still are, my loves," Kyle had returned with a milk carton and a kiss for each of them. "So what might we have planned for this afternoon? Tandem stroll; movie; candlelit dinner?"

His love interests traded quick glances.

"Or, maybe you could buy us some Frosty Freezy Freezes and we could all go to the arcade?" Fanboy tried, unsure if he should push his luck.

"Oh, very well," Kyle agreed. "How can I say no to those smiles?"

And so, after school the three held hands all the way to the Frosty Mart, the arcade, the comic shop; every place Fanboy and Chum Chum could think of. Kyle did not particularly seem to enjoy all the loud noises and sugary, greasy foods offered to him (or rather, shoved in his face). But the gratitude and praise his two hooligans heaped upon their boyfriend easily made a sour face soften. Besides, each place they visited did happen to offer something to Kyle's liking: hot tea at the Frosty Mart, his favorite wizard fashion magazine at Oz's Comix. The arcade in fact had a "magic" fortune-telling machine, whose "cold-reading charlatanry" he was delighted to debunk.

Their afternoon-turned-evening on the town culminated in a broomstick ride over Galaxy Hills as the sun set. Fanboy—resting his head on Kyle's soft red hair, and Chum Chum—nestling against Kyle's knitted shirt, tried to make the day last. For while they enjoyed the extra time spent with their friend, they would rather his affection genuinely come from _him_ and not from a spell. Therefore, they had no intention of keeping him bewitched for long.

And Kyle had no intention of telling them that there was no such thing as a love spell.


End file.
